Who empties the dishwasher is only one part of a much larger question: who notices what needs doing, remembers it, plans it and makes sure it happens?
Many households divide domestic work unevenly, with women often carrying a substantial share of the organisational work. That responsibility can be difficult to see because it is not limited to visible chores.
Three kinds of household labour
Kate Mangino, author of Equal Partners: Improving Gender Equality at Home, describes household labour in three categories.
- Physical work: the tasks carried out around the home.
- Cognitive work: thinking, scheduling and anticipating needs.
- Emotional work: the effort involved in supporting relationships and managing feelings.
Mangino uses “mental load” to describe carrying all three forms of work at the same time. The burden can include remembering appointments, monitoring what the household needs and coordinating care, as well as completing practical tasks.
People who carry most of these responsibilities have told Mangino that they feel trapped or suffocated, sleep poorly and struggle to care for their bodies. In some cases, she says, they experience depression. She has also spoken with couples considering separation or divorce.
Leah Ruppanner, a University of Melbourne academic and author of Drained: Reduce Your Mental Load to Do Less and Be More, describes mental-load burnout as a precursor to physical burnout. Constantly organising everything, she says, can also make it harder to enjoy life. Her project, lightenlab.com, offers a way for people to measure their mental load and find advice on managing it.
It is not only about who earns more
Both partners can experience mental load. Employment and the pressure to be a provider can create one form of responsibility, while managing the home and family can create another.
Helen Mason argues that household and family time should be treated as equally worthy as paid work, regardless of who earns more. In the US, Mangino says, pressure for one partner to work full-time to obtain health insurance for the family can also contribute to an imbalance.
Care responsibilities can expand beyond children. Mangino points to ageing parents and other forms of care as additional sources of mental load, particularly when the person receiving care lives in the same home.
These pressures can affect couples in different ways. Mangino says heterosexual couples broadly struggle more with unequal arrangements than same-sex couples, while also noting that imbalances can arise in queer relationships when one person concentrates on work and the other on home.
From “helping” to sharing responsibility
A recurring problem is the difference between helping and being responsible. Brian Page, who left his job to support his family while he and his wife were both in demanding roles and raising three children, describes a dynamic in which one partner becomes the default parent and home manager. When the other partner does not recognise the work involved, requests for help may be interpreted as nagging.
Mangino cautions against creating a boss-and-helper arrangement at home. A more equal approach makes responsibility visible and gives each person ownership of tasks, rather than leaving one partner to manage the other’s contribution.
Eve Rodsky says a moment during maternity leave with her second child helped inspire her book Fair Play: she cried after her husband texted that he was surprised she had not bought blueberries. She says the system was designed to address the unequal value placed on women’s and men’s time in patriarchal societies.
Rodsky describes an organisation as people working together towards a common goal. She says Fair Play has been used by housemates, people living in communes and polyamorous couples—not only by traditional couples.
A practical way to start
The Fair Play system uses a pack of 100 cards representing domestic tasks and areas such as self-care, adult friendships and “unicorn space”, described as a creative outlet.
Households select the cards that apply to them and divide responsibility so that it is clear who is in charge. Responsibilities can be redealt at any time. Mason says around 40 cards are intended only for households with children, so households without children can ignore those cards.
Couples do not need to use a card system to apply the same principles. They can begin by:
- Listing the work: include planning, remembering and coordinating, not only visible chores.
- Making ownership clear: distinguish between completing a task and being responsible for noticing and organising it.
- Including personal needs: account for self-care, friendships and creative time alongside household duties.
- Reviewing the arrangement: responsibilities may need to change as work, health and caring demands change.
Mangino says some mental load can be healthy and that interacting with family can build relationships. The concern is the concentration of responsibility in one person, particularly when it limits sleep, wellbeing and the ability to enjoy life.
Why policy matters too
Ana Catalano Weeks of the University of Bath argues that policies should help equalise caregiving. She points to statutory paternity leave for fathers in the UK, which she describes as two weeks of very low-paid leave, and says policies should give men stronger incentives to take leave.
Mangino encourages couples to advocate for policy change while making changes at home immediately. That approach recognises that private arrangements are shaped by workplaces, leave policies, healthcare systems and expectations about who should provide care.
A 2024 University of Southern California study found that using the Fair Play system had the potential to reduce burnout and improve relationship quality. The finding does not mean the same result is guaranteed for every household, but it adds to the case for making invisible work something couples can discuss and divide more deliberately.
AI tools were used to assist with the preparation of this article.
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